October Mom Of The Month

As many of you know, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month was first declared by President Ronald Reagan on October 15, 1988. On that day he said: “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the devastating loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.

With October being such a special month, I wanted to feature a really special story that I knew a lot of women would relate to. So I prayed that God would reveal to me the mom that I should feature, and when he gave me my answer, I immediately teared up and thought “yes!! this is the one”. This precious mama is a dear friend and someone that has such a special place in my heart. She has been through so much to grow her little family, more than any woman ever should, and despite all of the pain and loss, she has remained strong, she has kept the faith, and most importantly, she has not stopped fighting to grow her family.

When I reached out and asked her if I could share her story with you guys, she very humbly hesitated and explained to me that her losses couldn’t possibly compare to other women who had experienced late or full term pregnancy loss. I quickly told her that is exactly why the Lord told me to feature her. While 1 in every 4 women experience a pregnancy and/or infant loss in their lifetime, statistically, most of those losses ocur within the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. This mama represents the majority of women who experience pregnancy loss and feel their loss and their grief aren’t valid. Oftentimes, these mothers grieve alone and in silence, and that isn’t right. I hope and pray that this brave mother’s story inspires anyone out there that has suffered infertility or early pregnancy loss to speak out and to share your story. Because, let me tell you, your loss matters and your grief is valid. It doesn’t matter how early or how late, a pregnancy loss is a loss of a life. It is the loss of your precious child.

So with that, I would like to introduce to you all our October Mom of the Month, my beautiful friend, Samantha Akers.

Samantha’s Story

“Pregnancy loss, miscarriage, infertility- so many words I never thought would apply to me. It’s hard to find your footing after those kind of blows. It's hard to know where you fit even within the pregnancy loss and infertility community. Throughout my journey I often felt guilt or embarrassment. I usually didn’t know the gender of our babies we lost as the losses were so early. I didn’t birth or bury a child. I never saw their faces. There are many times I feel guilty or that I'm an imposter in the world of loss.”

“Pregnancy loss, miscarriage, infertility— so many words I never thought would apply to me. It’s hard to find your footing after those kind of blows. It's hard to know where you fit even within the pregnancy loss and infertility community. Throughout my journey I often felt guilt or embarrassment. I usually didn’t know the gender of our babies we lost as the losses were so early. I didn’t birth or bury a child. I never saw their faces. There are many times I feel guilty or that I'm an imposter in the world of loss.

When Kila asked me to share my story I felt immediate honor that just as quickly turned to shame. My story doesn’t seem worthy or important to share compared to the others I have read. In her infinite wisdom she reminded me that loss is loss at any stage. My story is valid as is my pain even if someone else had it worse in my mind. My story is still important to share. Our journey isn't over. We're constantly navigating the ups and downs of infertility, pregnancy loss and the never-ending promise of hope.

My husband and I got married in 2013, and we knew we wanted kids, little did we know how hard and long the road ahead would be. Our first pregnancy in 2015 ended in a first trimester miscarriage. We had been trying for over a year but I didn’t think much of the struggle, and as sad as the subsequent miscarriage was, we weren't discouraged. Time marched on and in 2016 I had an emergency surgery after a ruptured cyst. That was the turning point when we started investigating our fertility issues. After several months of no progress after the surgery, we decided to try a medicated cycle. No pregnancy. Next was an IUI cycle that resulted in a pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage. In the fall of 2016 we decided to try IUI one more time, and finally we got our miracle rainbow baby, Jack! While we were over the moon, our road would continue to be rocky. I had to adminster progesterone injections to myself for the first 20 weeks as my hormones were not allowing the placenta to take over. We had a tough pregnancy and delivery, I had preeclampsia and suffered a seizure during induction which led to an emergency C-section. Jack was whisked away to the NICU with a collapsed lung and aspirated meconium. It was a hard week and we struggled with my recovery and continued infections after going home.

“In the fall of 2016 we decided to try IUI one more time, and finally we got our miracle rainbow baby, Jack! While we were over the moon, our road would continue to be rocky.”

Following my pregnancy with Jack, I continued to have a myriad of health issues. In early 2018, after my ObGYN in Dallas felt she had gone as far as she could with my case, we decided to go to Mayo Clinic at the urging of my family.

At Mayo Clinic, I was able to see multiple specialists and began to undergo a barrage of tests and evaluations. We got lots of answers about the why of our losses as well as more in depth information on my reproductive health. My reproductive team began a deep dive into labs and scans. I was diagnosed with a congenital adrenal disorder (I don’t produce or process hormones correctly), I suffer from uterine disease that contributes to miscarriage and severe pelvic pain. If that wasn't enough I also have diminished ovarian reserve and my hormone levels are of a post menopausal woman. It was A LOT to take in. Their suggestion was that we start thinking seriously about IVF if we wanted to move forward.

After sorting out my meds and other treatments with my medical teams at Mayo, we decided to start the IVF process in 2019. In-vitro fertilization is a long process. We started what doctors call a stimulation cycle (or stims) where you do injections of hormones and oral medications. They monitor you via ultrasound (to keep tabs on developing eggs) and blood work to keep hormone levels within range. The goal is to stimulate your body to mimic ovulation (produce eggs) and then you have a sedated procedure where they retrieve those eggs to be fertilized. I was able to do this in June of 2019 and produced only 6 eggs total, 5 fertilized and 3 of the 5 made it a 5 day old blastocyst (ie. an embryo). One hurdle down but the biggest was still ahead when they're sent off to be genetically tested. Of the 3 embryos we had only 2 that were deemed genetically “normal.” These results were an unexpected blow and it finalized the medical evaluation of diminished ovarian reserve. The average woman in my age bracket produces 15-30 eggs in a cycle and on the higher end via IVF. We were cautiously optimistic that we were blessed to have two viable embryos.

We decided after my retrieval to freeze our embryos and give my body a much needed break. Going into 2020, we knew we wanted to do an embryo transfer. We scheduled it for January 2020. Leading up to transfer you go back on injections and oral hormones to prime your body to mimic a natural pregnancy cycle. They call it a frozen embryo transfer (FET) and the injections prior to transfer begin about a month beforehand. We made it to transfer day and it went smoothly. Baby (boy we are able to know the sex due to PGT-genetic testing) made it to implantation and at 6.5 weeks we miscarried yet again. It was incredibly hard and soul crushing. The constant up and down of IVF. The hope and the patience, and then the loss. It’s this silent heartbreaking rollercoaster that no one asked if we wanted to ride.

“It was incredibly hard and soul crushing. The constant up and down of IVF. The hope and the patience, and then the loss. It’s this silent heartbreaking rollercoaster that no one asked if we wanted to ride.”

Skip to March, and COVID-19 hits and the global pandemic starts. All the fertility clinics closed as it was viewed as an elective medical process. We waited and waited and finally my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) clinic at Mayo reopened in June of 2020. We began the whole entire FET process of injections and medications all over again with a planned embryo transfer date of August 18th. It went well, even with all the new Covid protocols, and Baby (girl) implanted, however at 6.5 weeks we again miscarried. Devastated is an understatement of how we felt. That was the end of our frozen embryos. I continued to be in chronic pain from my reproductive issues and we no longer had any embryos left. We had visualized, prayed, hoped for and willed into existence a sibling for Jack only to lose that hope all over again. The few who knew what we had been through were very supportive, but as I continued to learn, our society just doesn’t know what to say. Many say it’s early, at least you know you can get pregnant, or it wasn’t God’s plan. It’s a lot to handle trying to process our feelings and try and make everyone else comfortable too.

My team and RE at Mayo decided to do an exploratory surgery to get a more in depth look into what, if any, other issues I might be having internally. The surgery was in October of 2020, and it confirmed a lot of things. One is that my uterus is a mess. Triple the normal size and very diseased (adenomyosis). Our dream of being able to carry my own baby is no longer an option. More transfers would only lead to more miscarriages and pain. Surrogacy was looking to be our next step in our journey.

“Our dream of being able to carry my own baby is no longer an option. More transfers would only lead to more miscarriages and pain. Surrogacy was looking to be our next step in our journey.”

We made the decision to do one last egg retrieval cycle in early 2021. We had a very successful cycle of 6 healthy embryos. However in the days following the egg retrieval in Minnesota I was not feeling well. I was physically exhausted and having difficulty breathing and functioning. Of course Covid was on the brain, but I tested negative. I had a non-related CT of my liver and thank goodness the medical team happened to catch a blood clot on the scan. I had a rare complication from the hormones and egg retrieval, an ovarian DVT (deep vein thrombosis) that broke off and traveled up to my lungs creating a few Pulmonary Embolisms. I had planned to fly home the next day. If I had boarded that plane I would more than likely not be alive today. My doctors jumped to action and I stayed at Mayo for a few weeks while receiving treatment for the blood clots.

“I had a rare complication from the hormones and egg retrieval, an ovarian DVT (deep vein thrombosis) that broke off and traveled up to my lungs creating a few Pulmonary Embolisms. I had planned to fly home the next day. If I had boarded that plane I would more than likely not be alive today.”

It became abundantly clear that this was the sign. My body was done. I had pushed myself to the limits and being alive is more important than anything. We decided to move forward with our surrogacy agency and sent our profile to an agency in February of this year. We are hopeful for our future and that we will continue to heal and grow.

None of this is easy. We experience overwhelming anger, sadness, depression, frustration and anxiety on a daily basis. We are processing all our different set backs and the emotions that come with them. 4 miscarriages have taken a toll. Not only on my body, but also on my heart, my psyche, my husband, my son, our marriage and our little family's view of the world. I know at times it consumes me. I have bottled up and stuffed down so much pain. I didn’t share a lot of our journey or our struggles with our family and friends. This is a hard journey being the ones in the trenches and who wants to drag others down? It’s hard to see others who you would have been pregnant with at the same time with their new babies. It’s excruciating to be asked if we want more kids. Of course we do. How do you answer people honestly? How do you respond without becoming a basket case? How do you talk about your babies you never met because they died?

As Jack gets older, he asks about a sibling constantly. He talks about other kids who have brothers or sisters and babies. It’s heartbreaking to want to give him something that should be so simple and yet I can’t. In my head I know this is not my fault, but it's not something I am good at accepting in my heart. I know it’s ok to mourn the end of my ability to carry a baby and our angel babies in heaven. I will always wonder and dream of who they would have been.

The best thing we can do is link arms as a family and put one foot in front of the other. Try to share our truth a little bit more authentically and without shame. So I write this and share our story to help others and hopefully bring miscarriage and infertility out of the dark. Infertility affects 1 in 8, pregnancy loss affects 1 in 4 and we deserve to tell our stories and be heard. I hope that by sharing our story that it will encourage others to share theirs.”

“The best thing we can do is link arms as a family and put one foot in front of the other. Try to share our truth a little bit more authentically and without shame. So I write this and share our story to help others and hopefully bring miscarriage and infertility out of the dark.”

— Written by Samantha Akers

In Loving memory of the 4 Akers Angel Babies.